How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Randomize
