Your tits are I can't wait for
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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