what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
