my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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