I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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