I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
