i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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