that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
