Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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