non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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