Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
