she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
