Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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