dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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