I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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