There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
