Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
