Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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