i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
