two words...techno handjob
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
