He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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