Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish life had little blips of pornography
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
