so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
