remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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