worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
