I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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