I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
