is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
