What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
