what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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