I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Screwed.edu
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
