im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
