If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
