you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
