rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
