i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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