It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
