he shaved USA in his pubs
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have fence marks all over my body
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