True but thats because hes a fetus.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
