My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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