another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
as a side note pls kill me
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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