Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
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one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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