I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
