So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
