shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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