I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
too bad you live with your parents still
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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