I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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