I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
