I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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