3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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