What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
