I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
