Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
