Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
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I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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