it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
