All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
