I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
