they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
